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What white person would i not let babysit my child
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Do Not Ask Why Wolfman Kills People While Watching Wolfman at the Theater for All to Hear

Sigh.

Minority. That's right, I am addressing one of us right now.

Here we go.

Side Note: Sometimes, I just ask myself, "Why?"

The following is a true Story.

You know who you are. You were in the theater this weekend, watching Wolfman. Right after the Wolfman kills his first victim, you yelled, "Oh my gawd, why the Wolfman had to kill that man!" It was like a whistling arrow shot across the theater, everybody heard.

I winced. My shoulder crouched up to my ear. My head creaked, swiveled backward, and I glared at you.

There you were, seated right behind me.

Side Note: I have a knack for picking the seat closest to the peanut gallery.

Minority, let alone the fact that you screeched, "Oh, shiiiiit," whenever the Wolfman killed someone or appeared on the screen--the only apt response for such a paltry script-writing to be sure, however, let us remember our manners. I would also like to omit the constant murmuring that were your enlightened takes on the Wolfman narrative wafting over my right shoulder throughout the night.

These were the lesser concerns.

I would like to point out the disregard that you have for your neighbor, not the inanity of your comment. Because you know how silly your comment is, right? You know, that I know, that you know, I hope, why the Wolfman kills people... Right? Let me reiterate. He is a Wolfman.

Jesus!

My bet is not that you did not know this reason, but that you, for some reason, felt the need to massage your need for attention, a need often promulgated in a minority when inside theaters, apparently.

Why, oh why, did so many minorities erupt in their own fits of shock, dismay, disapproval offense and/or pleasure at pivotal moments of movies while at theaters. Sometimes, minorities, it seems that we are intent on having full conversations with the screen.

Asking a minority to not speak in theaters may be a difficult charge. I know this. I have problems dealing with this too.

So, to compromise.

Minorities, if you must talk loudly in theaters, whether it be to the screen, to your neighbor, to the theater, or into your cellphone, please don't ask inane questions like, "Why the wolfman had to kill that man?," because everybody will think we are not smart enough to go to more challenging cultural institutions, like museums.

That said, when a movie is inane, I highly recommend watching the movie in a theate full of minorities. Trust me, if you haven't done it before, wait no longer. Noting but hilarity.

Talk on Your Cell Phone in the Subway

I am so vexed right now.

Minorities! Please!

Stop talking on your cell phones in the subway.

Now, like many a straphanger, I like to read the paper, and some literature, especially if its a long commute, on my way to work and back home. But, for those of you who feel the same way that I do, tell me, how does it feel to get into the groove of an article or an essay or a book, only to be interrupted by somebody who decides to pick up their phone. And why is it too, that the phone is often a walkie-talkie phone. Unlike a regular phone call, a walkie-talkie phone boasts a beeping function to announce the successful transmittal of a message, and you are not left to wonder what the other party is saying, no no no, dear straphanger, you can leave your imagination behind, the phone announces publicly all that the missing interlocutor states using a speaker function. Why I need to know Javier's latest philanderings is not only beyond me, it frustrates me. And why you'd want to make this public, I have no idea!

Altogether, the amount of interruptions such phone calls cause can be responsible, more than religion, for stunting the progress of humanity. Who knows what societal problems could have been solved, how many diseases cured, how many inspired pieces of prose and art created, if it were not for that infernal beep, those eye-twitch inducing updates on what you are going to do in cohoots with your girl to Javier for cheating on you.

What's worst is that in return of my glare i get a look of disbelief and frustration, as if I were the nuisance. Ay Dios Mio!

If the MTA and whatever other invested corporations are succesful in their plans to make all of the subway cell phone ready--read: all underground lines--straphangers, be ready for a return to the dark ages. We shall be ruled by a insouciant band of leaders who transmit edicts via mass-message over walkie-talkie phones, and not only will we acknowledge that massive beep in unison as our call to arms to get Javier for disrespecting our girl, we will know that beep as God.

Oh, and don't pick up the phone to tell someone that you can't talk to them because you are on the subway. "The reception is bad, we might get cut off. But let's talk until then....hello.....hello....hello....hello." That's just irksome to all parties involved, you, your caller and your fellow straphangers.

Minorities, please stop talking on your phones in the subway, because everybody is just gonna think that you are inconsiderate and not worthy of joining the ranks of the civilized.

How will you get that job?

Of course, not just minorities do this, but again, fellow minorities, I'm only concerned about you. Thank me later. Ciao.

Takes Pictures of Public Monuments

This one is hard for us, I know. But, please, minorities, if you don't want to end up in some secret prison in the middle of some desert somewhere, please stop taking pictures of public monuments.

If you do take pictures of public monuments, everybody knows that they are just going to think that you entered the country just to collect makeshift blueprint evidence in a scheme to overthrow the U.S.A. and capitalism.

Oh, wait. Apparently it may be illegal to imprison people in deserts. But what about Mars?

Yep. You know that they are starting plans to colonize Mars soon, and don't even think that they won't launch your ass a couple of orbits away from justice, let alone the desert, because they will. So, don't take pictures, because everybody knows that there are no laws in outerspace.

Don't do it. If you need a picture of the Statue of Liberty, just buy a postcard. Really. It's probably better quality than anything you can do. Let's be honest. You probably buy disposable cameras from the pharmacy whenever you go on vacation anyway, just like my family does, and everybody knows those don't work very well, don't we?

I suppose, minorities, that if you insist on taking pictures of public monuments, you could just learn how to photoshop. Hmmm. Wait. Does that sound as sketchy to you as it does to me?

Yep, new rule.

Minorities, do not take photoshop classes, because you will end up on an FBI list somewhere.

Welcome to America!

Appear in Public with More than Two of Your Children in Tow

I can't believe I have to say this...

Minorities, please, for the love of God, do not appear in public with more than two of your children in tow.

Really.

Stop.

NOTICE: I did not say that you should put a limit on how many children you can have. I am not interested in finagling with anybodies fallopian tubes. You can do that on your own time. And don't email be about it! Besides, I am more than interested in Us becoming the majority. So, please, by all means, bump like bunnies. But, as to the public sphere...

And remember, I'm just saying this, as I am with all of my entries, for our own good.

Minorities, you should only appear in public with, at most, two of your children, because you know that they are just going to think that:

(a) We are responsible for over-population. I don't mean this just as far as tree-hugging is concerned. I mean they don't want to see too many of us at once. They are scared enough of one minority, imagine how much they'll freak out if they see us reproducing in massive numbers! I bet their response will be to diminish funding for public education and increase the number of prisons. Give your extra kids some books and a membership to the girls and boys club.

Some advice: Picking which of your children will appear in public with you will allow you to put your best foot forward as a minority, as you will have chosen your prized children to represent us. At the very least, they will think that we are filling the world with remarkable individuals. We all know they over-react when our kids do the very same wild things that their kids do. Let's call them ambassador children.

(b) We are responsible for global warming. (You know they'll find a way to do it, and a busload of children seems to me a good enough reason.) Word of advice: So that people won't get irritated when you get on the train or bus and force eight people to get up out of their seats, something they only do because the sight of your tribe makes them feel guilty, keep some kids at home. Although your children are adorable, I don't doubt it, please be strict with how many children accompany you on mass transit. Everybody knows that packed trains and buses are responsible for many unpublicized race riots.

Besides, we can even relate to them on this. How many times must we have to make room for perambulating villages during our commute to work in the mornings?

Let's be done with it.

Tread lightly, minorities.

You know they are just going to think that we crossed the border and are looking to set up a shanty town on their block.

Wear Chanclas

Minorities. Please stop wearing chanclas in public.

For Heaven's sake, please stop.

I'm not talking about Banana Republic or Kenneth Cole sandals, in all their strappy variations...oh no. Those are sandals, I'm talking about chanclas. Let me explain.

The chanclas I speak of come in many variations. There are the Adidas velcro strap chanclas dudes be wearing. Yep, those are chanclas, Macho. And who said it was cute to wear these with white tube socks, who signed off on that memo? You just end up looking like you just got out of prison and have yet to buy clothes.

The only people who should be wearing tube socks with chanclas are old men, and only if they talk to themselves while walking down the street wearing wife-beaters and too-loose shorts and have a deranged look in their eye and carry year-old newspapers in bulk.

There are the chanclas your abuelas and grandmamas be wearing, you know, the ones from the dollar store whose thongs break easy, a phenomena that explains why so many elderly women be shuffling down the streets of many a hood across America. Alot of us think it's because they have back circulation, or a bad back, but no, they're wrong, abuelas and grandmamas shuffle because their straps are broken and that's all they can do to keep the chanclas on. Alot of times these chanclas are emblazoned with flowers or Jesus...to match their moo moos.

There are also the chanclas girls and young women wear to go to the corner store. They get these from Old Navy, most likely, or the Havaianas from the Gap--where you can bedazzle your chancla?! WTF. It's still a chancla, dumb ass. Over-priced and with baubles attached, still though, its a chancla. But then, you know what happens, while out on a run to buy soda and pork rinds, she gets a text from her boo around the way, and so she ventures out to go chill with him further then just down the block where the store is at, which only sets up the bad habit of wearing chanclas, albeit bedazzled Havaianas, to distances spanning boroughs. You look cheap. Stop it.

Stop wearing chanclas in public, minorities. You know they are just going to think that you can't afford shoes.

You're welcome.

Nap

Minorites. Please, please, don't nap in public, because you know that everybody is just going to think that:

(a) You are sleeping.

(b) You don't have a job.

(c) You have a job, but are neglecting your responsibilities.

Get back to the office.

Please.