Appear in Public with More than Two of Your Children in Tow

I can't believe I have to say this...

Minorities, please, for the love of God, do not appear in public with more than two of your children in tow.

Really.

Stop.

NOTICE: I did not say that you should put a limit on how many children you can have. I am not interested in finagling with anybodies fallopian tubes. You can do that on your own time. And don't email be about it! Besides, I am more than interested in Us becoming the majority. So, please, by all means, bump like bunnies. But, as to the public sphere...

And remember, I'm just saying this, as I am with all of my entries, for our own good.

Minorities, you should only appear in public with, at most, two of your children, because you know that they are just going to think that:

(a) We are responsible for over-population. I don't mean this just as far as tree-hugging is concerned. I mean they don't want to see too many of us at once. They are scared enough of one minority, imagine how much they'll freak out if they see us reproducing in massive numbers! I bet their response will be to diminish funding for public education and increase the number of prisons. Give your extra kids some books and a membership to the girls and boys club.

Some advice: Picking which of your children will appear in public with you will allow you to put your best foot forward as a minority, as you will have chosen your prized children to represent us. At the very least, they will think that we are filling the world with remarkable individuals. We all know they over-react when our kids do the very same wild things that their kids do. Let's call them ambassador children.

(b) We are responsible for global warming. (You know they'll find a way to do it, and a busload of children seems to me a good enough reason.) Word of advice: So that people won't get irritated when you get on the train or bus and force eight people to get up out of their seats, something they only do because the sight of your tribe makes them feel guilty, keep some kids at home. Although your children are adorable, I don't doubt it, please be strict with how many children accompany you on mass transit. Everybody knows that packed trains and buses are responsible for many unpublicized race riots.

Besides, we can even relate to them on this. How many times must we have to make room for perambulating villages during our commute to work in the mornings?

Let's be done with it.

Tread lightly, minorities.

You know they are just going to think that we crossed the border and are looking to set up a shanty town on their block.

Wear Chanclas

Minorities. Please stop wearing chanclas in public.

For Heaven's sake, please stop.

I'm not talking about Banana Republic or Kenneth Cole sandals, in all their strappy variations...oh no. Those are sandals, I'm talking about chanclas. Let me explain.

The chanclas I speak of come in many variations. There are the Adidas velcro strap chanclas dudes be wearing. Yep, those are chanclas, Macho. And who said it was cute to wear these with white tube socks, who signed off on that memo? You just end up looking like you just got out of prison and have yet to buy clothes.

The only people who should be wearing tube socks with chanclas are old men, and only if they talk to themselves while walking down the street wearing wife-beaters and too-loose shorts and have a deranged look in their eye and carry year-old newspapers in bulk.

There are the chanclas your abuelas and grandmamas be wearing, you know, the ones from the dollar store whose thongs break easy, a phenomena that explains why so many elderly women be shuffling down the streets of many a hood across America. Alot of us think it's because they have back circulation, or a bad back, but no, they're wrong, abuelas and grandmamas shuffle because their straps are broken and that's all they can do to keep the chanclas on. Alot of times these chanclas are emblazoned with flowers or Jesus...to match their moo moos.

There are also the chanclas girls and young women wear to go to the corner store. They get these from Old Navy, most likely, or the Havaianas from the Gap--where you can bedazzle your chancla?! WTF. It's still a chancla, dumb ass. Over-priced and with baubles attached, still though, its a chancla. But then, you know what happens, while out on a run to buy soda and pork rinds, she gets a text from her boo around the way, and so she ventures out to go chill with him further then just down the block where the store is at, which only sets up the bad habit of wearing chanclas, albeit bedazzled Havaianas, to distances spanning boroughs. You look cheap. Stop it.

Stop wearing chanclas in public, minorities. You know they are just going to think that you can't afford shoes.

You're welcome.

Nap

Minorites. Please, please, don't nap in public, because you know that everybody is just going to think that:

(a) You are sleeping.

(b) You don't have a job.

(c) You have a job, but are neglecting your responsibilities.

Get back to the office.

Please.

Run

Fellow Minorities,

Please. Don't. Run. In. Public.

Just don't.

I can't emphasize this enough.

If you do run in public, you know that everybody is just going to think that you did something wrong. The popo are sure to come around asking questions and keep you from getting to wherever it is that you were running to in the first place, anyway. So, if you don't want to be late, for real, just don't run in public. Besides, the last thing we need is another one of us going to jail for no good reason. Everybody knows police got quotas, ok. Don't give them cause.

And this includes skipping.

Actually, skipping might be worse. Do minorities skip?! No! How suspicious does that look? You just look like you are trying to get away and cover up from doing something wrong. How many happy-go-lucky minorities do you know...? That's right. Point made. Guilty.

You basically just shouldn't make any sudden movements while in public. Please.